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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671311">An Object to be Possessed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornemesis/pseuds/doctornemesis'>doctornemesis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bittersweet, Codependency, Control Issues, Dysfunctional Relationships, Established Relationship, M/M, Made For Each Other, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Sex, Pre-War, Rough Sex, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Threats of Violence, To Others (Not Iruka)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:55:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671311</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornemesis/pseuds/doctornemesis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re equally dependent upon each other, he knows this. They use each other in different ways, but Kakashi has a tendency to take, take, take without knowing it. Iruka would give him everything, and the thought is as exciting as it is devastating. Kakashi tries to control it, this ravenous, all consuming hunger, but the emptiness inside is far too great. A dark, insidious need to own something, but not just something; someone—Iruka. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hatake Kakashi &amp; Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>An Object to be Possessed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just wanted to touch on the fact that I wrote this with the intent to show that Kakashi suffered from RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), and that it subsequently resulted in him developing Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD) as an adult, and that while he does love Iruka, he has no concept for what's healthy and not healthy. Iruka, too, for that matter since he was orphaned young, too.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>   People were handcrafted from things both good and ill, a mixture of light and of darkness breathing life into otherwise empty vessels. Iruka understood this to be one of life’s many truths, accepted it without much struggle or complaint on his part, even. The only thing one could do was to try and shine light on the darkest portions of themselves, to face it head on with an unflinching gaze while limiting their most destructive tendencies.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi, however, chose to remain blind to this truth. A punishing grip, an unrelenting hold. A darkness that cultivated into the deepest of shame when he caught a glimpse of himself in the startled reflection of Iruka’s dark eyes. Iruka still loved him, of course. He loved him even when the other both hurt and humiliated him.</p><p> </p><p>   Learned to love those things, too, eventually.  </p><p> </p><p>   They’re alone in Iruka’s apartment. They’re always alone when Kakashi loses control like this. He can’t handle the idea of anyone else seeing him in such a state.</p><p> </p><p>   The two of them share this secret, and neither one dares to speak it into existence. </p><p> </p><p>   The hold on his head is as harsh as it is unforgiving. The fingers threaded throughout his hair keeps him facing forward, his gaze unwavering. His knees hurt from kneeling in this position, but he doesn’t dare to move, knows that this is where he’s needed most right now. Kakashi is spiraling out of control again, and Iruka’s keen on trying to slow down his fall. He won’t ever hit the ground so long as the other is always around to catch him. </p><p> </p><p>   They’re equally dependent upon each other, he knows this. They use each other in different ways, but Kakashi has a tendency to take, take, take without knowing it. Iruka would give him everything, and the thought is as exciting as it is devastating. Kakashi tries to control it, this ravenous, all consuming hunger, but the emptiness inside is far too great. A dark, insidious need to own something, but not just something; someone—<em>Iruka</em>.   </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka is a coveted possession that just so happens to breathe, think and speak.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi tries to keep himself in check, he does. He tries to keep his hands to himself, but a keen gray eye is always watching—forever observing. The jealousy he feels when others dare to be near Iruka is violent in its focused intensity, and it only grows when he’s denied Iruka’s undivided attention. Everyone is considered a threat. A way for him to lose everything that matters, and Iruka is all that matters. </p><p> </p><p>   A black hole opened up inside his chest near his heart the day Kakashi’s father died, and nothing ever seemed to fill it for long...nothing but Iruka. </p><p> </p><p>   “You’re so beautiful like this,” he groans, and it almost sounds painful, like a punch to the gut, and maybe it is, Iruka muses, his cheeks flushed and lips swollen.</p><p> </p><p>   Maybe it’s painful for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka’s jaw remains unhinged, strands of saliva coating the heavy length of Kakashi’s hardened cock. With practice, Iruka can fit the entirety of it into his mouth; his jaw slack, the pinnacle of subservience. Their love is corrupt on the worst of days; perverse and perplexing on the best of them, but neither can let go of it. Kakashi is relentless in his pursuit of the other man, and has been for years. He decrees it love, but they’re not foolish enough to fall for that simple notion of the word.       </p><p> </p><p>   It’s far more complicated than that.</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka is all that Kakashi thinks about outside of missions, and Iruka’s not innocent in this twisted infatuation of theirs either. He loves Kakashi, he does. He knows that he could never be this way with anyone other than the silver-haired man who runs his fingers lovingly through sweat-soaked tresses, painting him in a new light.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi’s obsession began as a deep-seated need to insert himself into Iruka’s everyday routine when he came home from the most dangerous and draining of assignments, but it morphed into something nearly insidious the older they got. Iruka craves his touch, and Kakashi longs only to hold him. It started innocently enough, but it escalated fairly quickly, almost innocuously when Iruka looked back on it.  </p><p> </p><p>   After Kakashi’s father passed away, he withdrew from public life, keeping to the shadows while seeking light in Iruka’s everyday doings. </p><p> </p><p>   Behind closed doors, Kakashi absolutely yearns for him. He doesn’t let Iruka out of his sight if he could help it. Ravenous, as though Kakashi were a starving beast. Desperate fingers pressing into prominent ribs, sharp canines dragging thin lines along a tender throat </p><p> </p><p>   The pain of it all left them desperate and without clothes.</p><p> </p><p>   Like now. He wants the other’s utmost attention, demands it. Tears well in dark brown eyes, but Iruka obeys. </p><p> </p><p>   He always does.       </p><p> </p><p>   “I love you so much,” he says, head tilted back slightly, his dual-colored eyes blissfully shut. “I need you <em> so </em> much.”</p><p> </p><p>   An imagined slight. </p><p> </p><p>   An inadvertent chuckle at a coworker’s rather dry, rather sarcastic joke. </p><p> </p><p>   Nothing more. </p><p> </p><p>    “Why do you always <em> hurt </em>me like this, Iruka?”</p><p> </p><p>   He could ask the same of him.</p><p> </p><p>   In Kakashi’s eyes, Iruka is a work of art. So beautiful that he feels compelled to covet him, to destroy him beyond recognition so that no one else could ever revel in his supreme opulence. To set Iruka aflame in all of his glory, resided in his memory alone.  </p><p> </p><p>   Worst of all, Iruka craves it.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>   Kakashi had bid his time. His jaw jutted, teeth gritted. Time ticked by slowly then. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka’s heart remained lodged in his throat. He talked to no one, he looked at no one. His eyes remained glued to the scrolls he took from his fellow shinobi, stamping them with the briefest of glances before moving onto the next one. </p><p> </p><p>   When the last of the line submitted their mission scrolls, Kakashi latched onto him, his grip strong around a tender wrist. Iruka made no effort to fight it, swept away by Kakashi’s inherent displeasure. He made an abrupt, apologetic motion to both Izumo and Kotetsu, but kept his mouth in a thin, tight line—an almost grimace. </p><p> </p><p>   No, a definite grimace.</p><p> </p><p>   His heart raced, apprehension climbing up the notches of his spine. Ashamed, he felt a shot of heat rush straight down to his groin. He knew what was about to happen, and he was about to allow it.    </p><p> </p><p>   Again. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka had barely made it inside his apartment before he found himself shoved roughly up against the door. Kakashi’s hands tangled in Iruka’s hair, pulling him into a harsh, desperate kiss that he couldn’t follow, getting absolutely lost in it. Kakashi’s fingers left his hair only to tear open his flack jacket, each movement harsh and precise. </p><p> </p><p>   “This always happens,” Kakashi gritted out, his voice low, gravely. “You always do this.”</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka could hardly follow the other’s words, his lungs and brain having been subjected to a lack of oxygen, but he knew better. Kakashi would rant about Iruka’s supposed transgressions, and he would take it, throwing himself at Kakashi’s mercy. He would do whatever it took, and Kakashi knew it.  </p><p> </p><p>   Used it.</p><p> </p><p>   “You know I can’t stand it when you look at someone else,” he gritted out, nipping at Iruka’s bottom lip. </p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi,” he pleaded.</p><p> </p><p>   “You laughed at his joke, your face lit up for him,” Kakashi ground out, nosing Iruka’s cheek, one hand wrapping around the other’s throat. “I don’t know if I can forgive you...”</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka’s eyes welled-up at that, a sharp breath filling his lungs. That one phrase never ceased to scare him. Kakashi knew that, too. </p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi,” he said, his eyes fluttering shut. “<em> Please</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi shoved his body further up against the door, kissing him with no sense of compassion or forgiveness. Iruka would have to earn it. He bit the junction in between Iruka’s neck and shoulder, a long lingering pain seared into his flesh. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka hissed. Kakashi’s propensity for biting often left a multitude of colors painting his tanned skin like a blank canvass. His fingers digging into Iruka’s narrow hips would eventually blossom shades of violets and blues before they faded only to be replaced. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi knew Iruka’s strengths and weaknesses well. He knew that Iruka’s body could never be broken, but his mind...his emotions, he could control him that way, turn him into malleable clay within his two hands. Iruka already knew that Kakashi would do whatever it took to try and keep him, crossing lines others would never think about.</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka never understood why the other man could never grasp that he would never leave his side. He’d accepted that truth long ago, no matter to what end. For better or worse. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi had proceeded to throw him down onto his bed, fingering him hard and fast to a quick, messy and nearly humiliating climax. Afterwards, he’d shoved a plug deeply into his well-stretched hole before forcing him down onto his knees. </p><p> </p><p>   And thus, how they had ended up here.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>   The flush that deepens his cheeks, and the groans that grow both louder and sharper, allow Iruka to know that Kakashi’s close. So close. </p><p> </p><p>   He allows the other nin to use him, to open him up and degrade him. </p><p> </p><p>   His tongue flat, pinned down by the weight of Kakashi’s cock. His throat wrecked, choked and gagged over and over again. He would never be able to admit to liking this out loud, but it became apparent in how his once flaccid cock hardened again over time. </p><p> </p><p>   “What should I do, Iruka?” Kakashi asks, his fingers tightly curled into dark tresses. “Should I come down your throat? Or all over that pretty little face of yours that I love so much?”</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka moans around his mouthful at that, his hand trailing up and down his thigh, straying close to where his cock resides without actually grazing it. In the end, he refrains from touching himself. He knows better than to go against the rules Kakashi set in this time and place. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi is fragile. </p><p> </p><p>   This is a reality few ever see, let alone have the chance to acknowledge. </p><p> </p><p>   Before they can ever express their concern, Kakashi has shoved any trace of frailty and unsoundness deep inside and locked it away for later assessment. Later assessment never comes, however. It builds and builds until it reaches its apex, and Kakashi collectively falls apart as a result.</p><p> </p><p>   Like now.</p><p> </p><p>   But Kakashi only ever feels comfortable and safe enough to shatter in Iruka’s presence.</p><p> </p><p>   If Kakashi were a hero to their village, he views Iruka as a god and their relationship with each other as divine fate. To Kakashi, there was nothing Iruka couldn’t do. Together, they built each other up, and together, held the power to tear each other down. Kakashi could not, <em> would </em> not let Iruka go. He never understood that Iruka held no notions of ever going anywhere.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi’s breath hitches, and Iruka holds his own.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi removes his hands from Iruka’s hair, and Iruka knows the answer. His lids flutter shut, his vision going dark as Kakashi’s entire length vacates his mouth. Iruka’s repressed tongue darts out, licking his lips briefly before fully sticking out, waiting. It doesn’t take long.</p><p> </p><p>   “<em> Fuck</em>.”     </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi comes across his face a moment later, his fingers still tightly threaded through Iruka’s untied hair. It’s rare for Kakashi to force him to swallow, keen on marking Iruka in every way humanly possible. Painting him like a work of art, one made into his own likeness.</p><p> </p><p>   “It was never really a choice, was it?” he asks, and Iruka wonders if it’s him he’s really asking or himself.</p><p> </p><p>   The answer isn’t complicated. It never truly was a choice, for either of them. Thankfully, Kakashi never leaves him like that for long.</p><p> </p><p>   He cleans his face with the lightest of touches, studying Iruka’s features all the while—memorizing his every expression to pour over later. Determining, always determining whether Iruka truly loves him or not, never mind the unwavering devotion the other pays to him. Kakashi is broken, that much has always been apparent, but it’s not Iruka’s role to fix him.</p><p> </p><p>   He takes him as he is; he loves him as he is. Kakashi’s love is obsessive, true. He craves intimacy, but has no true notion as to how one is supposed to attain, let alone maintain, such relationships. </p><p> </p><p>   He fears one day that he might suffocate Iruka, but that isn’t his decision to make. Iruka believes wholeheartedly that he could evolve to adapt under such conditions, determined not to turn his back on such a lonely creature because he, too, has fallen before loneliness and solitude’s door. He sees such disparities in the children who lack such precious bonds. Naruto and Sasuke come to mind. How dark things could have been for one, and how dark they became for the other.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi tried his hardest, he knows. Naruto will never give up, he amends. A light must find a way to shine through, even if it is but artificial.</p><p> </p><p>   To illuminate the path to one's own individual freedom...Iruka is a brilliant source of such light, warm and inviting. Kakashi could only ever hope to chase after him, dying to be near, terrified of getting too close. Always the observer, but never the observed...the one time Iruka met his gaze, he never looked away. Curious, but never fearful.</p><p> </p><p>   What to do with something so wonderful?</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi lacks the ability to grasp his own emotions, and so Iruka allows him time to work through them. He remains open and available, never once thinking to close himself off. The more he gets to know Kakashi; however, the more saddened he becomes.</p><p> </p><p>   It’s a miracle that the man is able to still stand let alone continue to do what it is he does for the village, and what he does only inflicts more scars...both physical as well as emotional in nature.</p><p> </p><p>   He is impulsive underneath it all. Iruka is, too. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi has been hurt without the opportunity to heal...</p><p> </p><p>   His kisses are desperate. He kisses and kisses Iruka until they’re both struggling for breath, but it’s never enough. He cups Iruka’s face on either side, his eyes are intently focused upon the brunette’s face, upon the scar that spreads across the bridge of his nose like the early morning sun rising over the horizon. His thumb traces over it, again and again. There is safety in the familiarity of it.</p><p> </p><p>   There are tears streaming down along his face, disappearing underneath a sharp jawline. It unsettles Iruka when only one eye sheds tears. The blood red one with its spinning tomoe; a dead friend's last gift, mourning for the one left behind.</p><p> </p><p>   The one that carries the everlasting pain of their memories as well as their last moments on earth...</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka places one hand over Kakashi’s own, feeling cool, pale skin dotted with scars. He closes his eyes again for a moment, taking a deep breath before re-centering himself. Kakashi spends most of his time being deathly still, but like this, he is a raging storm. He’s spent the majority of his life being detached and emotionally unavailable. No sufficient ties to anyone save Guy and Tenzō, and even those have their limits. </p><p> </p><p>   He sheds his skin in the sanctity of Iruka’s home. His wounds are plenty, open and bleeding with no end in sight. A wounded bird with a broken wing forced to take to the skies again.</p><p> </p><p>   “Don’t leave me,” he says, his voice is low and trembling. It makes Iruka’s heart ache deep inside his chest. “Don’t look at anyone else, please.”</p><p> </p><p>   “I never do, Kakashi,” he murmurs, keeping his body pliant and open while still kneeling in front of the other man. “You know that.”</p><p> </p><p>   It’s the wrong thing to say, but he says so anyway. There is never anything <em> right </em> to say when Kakashi reaches this state, after all. It’s the truth, but Kakashi can’t always swallow it. He chokes, wanting only to reject the intimacy Iruka offers him so freely while simultaneously, desperately wanting nothing more than to cling to the idea that what he says holds truth. Iruka can tell what Kakashi plans to do before he, himself, even knows it. </p><p> </p><p>   The reaction is immediate and explosive in nature. </p><p> </p><p>   Within a few seconds, Iruka is wrenched up and thrown down onto his bed face first. </p><p> </p><p>   “I don’t believe you,” he says, his chest pressed against Iruka’s back, his lips tracing along Iruka’s most prominent and sensitive scar, “but that’s okay. I’ll make it okay.”</p><p> </p><p>   There is a certain amount of freedom in enduring one’s humiliation and subsequent shame; freedom in not being the one in control. Iruka hands it all over to Kakashi with no reservations on his part. He’s on his hands and knees, his fingers clutching at the unmade sheets before him. Kakashi wastes no time in taking possession of him, his teeth sinking into Iruka’s shoulder hard enough to nearly break skin, and Iruka can do nothing more than cry out. He slides the plug halfway out before thrusting it back in again, gauging Iruka’s reaction before removing it altogether. </p><p> </p><p>   He layers a kiss over the stinging bite. A silent apology. </p><p> </p><p>   He is transfixed on Iruka’s submission; his willingness to cast it all away. His anger, his resistance, and his emptiness...it all leads him here. To Iruka.</p><p> </p><p>   His hands glide over the plains of Iruka’s body, his fingers digging in at key points. Kakashi is enthralled by the teacher, keen on taking him all in down to the most infinitesimal of details. The tips of his fingers slide down along the length of Iruka’s spine, causing the Chūnin to shudder violently.  </p><p> </p><p>   His lips replace his fingers down along Iruka’s spine, and he can only take the intimacy Kakashi offers. Iruka struggles with it, he always has ever since his parents lost their lives in one devastating night, but he accepts this. He understands that Kakashi <em> needs </em> this. Iruka’s body begins to yearn for the other’s touch, mindful of what those hands are capable of.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi fingers dip lower, teasing and testing Iruka’s entrance before sinking two fingers in all at once. Iruka groans, his back arching, his hips thrusting back against the sudden intrusion. Kakashi begins to finger him, the two digits curling up against his prostate, and Iruka moans, his head hanging between his shoulders in shame. Kakashi knows that Iruka is weak to it. That he’s able to come like this alone, and the Jonin often abuses this knowledge, but not again, not tonight.</p><p> </p><p>   No, Kakashi’s desire is fueled by his possessive nature, his underlying fear of being alone once again. Iruka is prepared for what that entails...Lost in the lumbering atmosphere, pulled under by the weight of it. He grips the sheets tighter, his head drawn lolling to the side, his hips thrusting even further backwards, broadcasting his lingering desire and acceptance of him.</p><p> </p><p>  Kakashi leans forward, one hand wrapping around Iruka’s throat, forcing him up. Iruka hates to feel so exposed, forced to see what he is reduced down to. Kakashi  sinks his teeth into the side of Iruka’s neck, the tip of his cock pressing against Iruka’s loosened hole. </p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi...”</p><p> </p><p>   “Iruka, I love you,” he whispers against Iruka’s ear, his lips brushing against the shell of it. “I love you, I can’t lose you.”</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka struggles to speak, Kakashi’s hand around his throat tightening as he presses in. Iruka can only groan, taking a gasping inhale of breath. He focuses on relaxing himself, giving into the partaking of his body. </p><p> </p><p>   He hopes to give Kakashi subsistence...</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi fills him all the way to the hilt, and Iruka can’t help the whimper that escapes him. He feels so full, and for a moment, Kakashi’s own burning desire to punish and maintain the man who cures all is paramount. </p><p> </p><p>   His movements are sharp, precise. Iruka can only hold on, air hard to come by as Kakashi bites and bruises such supple skin. Kakashi is obsessed with him, that much is true.</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi sees no difference between love and obsession...</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka is in too deep to point it out, he takes what Kakashi gives him because he can’t stand the thought of losing him. He would take the extremes with a keen sense of calmness. The best way to avoid such large waves was to dive underneath them, after all. </p><p> </p><p>   “I can’t live without you,” Kakashi says, his voice low, husky as he thrusts deep and hard as he bites Iruka’s shoulder, leaving another bruise to decorate the other’s skin.</p><p> </p><p>   His fingers dig in so deep against Iruka’s throat and hip, enough to leave marks that Iruka hopes to be able to hide. Kakashi only wishes for Iruka to remember him when he’s gone. He’s being pushed hard by the new hokage, but they both know why it is that she must do so. The academy is closed, and Iruka himself has been completing missions nonstop himself. He is glad that he was able to see Naruto before he took off with Jiraiya...</p><p> </p><p>   Blessed that Kakashi brought him back home alive and in one piece. Kakashi is feeling out of control, everything in his life slipping through his fingers once again; everything but Iruka....never Iruka.</p><p> </p><p>   “I <em> need </em> you, Iruka,” he murmurs, his vulnerable words a sharp contrast to his actions.</p><p> </p><p>   He fucks into Iruka like it’s his last day on earth, and for them, and others like them, it’s a real possibility. Iruka understands this as a shinobi, but has a hard time accepting it as a human being. He doesn’t want to lose Kakashi, but he’s too afraid to speak this out loud.</p><p> </p><p>   It would be selfish, he knows, but he wants to anyway. </p><p> </p><p>   “You know what I’m capable of, sensei,” he warns, his lips pressed against Iruka’s cheek, his tone dark, menacing in nature. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka’s heart begins to race, his throat constricting further without Kakashi’s hold. He prepares himself for the worst aspects of Kakashi’s underlying obsession. His eyes flutter shut, his entire being left in Kakashi’s bloodstained hands. </p><p> </p><p>   “I would kill them, Iruka, without a moment's hesitation, comrades or not,” he says, his voice clear, meaningful. He isn’t lying, and tears begin to well in Iruka’s eyes, “and I would make you watch.”</p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi, please,” he begs, interrupting such darkness. “I love you, and only you.”</p><p> </p><p>   “I would bleed them dry,” he continues, ignoring Iruka’s pleads while thrusting as deeply as he can into Iruka’s pliant body, scrambling his thoughts with a loud moan, “and fuck you in their blood.”</p><p> </p><p>   The tears that threatened to fall do so without Iruka’s consent. He hates to think of such things, and Kakashi knows this. This is how he chooses to punish Iruka, by exposing the most appalling parts of himself with absolutely no restraint or remorse. </p><p> </p><p>   He begins to pound into Iruka, suffocating him in a mixture of pleasure and pain. His body is free, but his mind...his mind is troubled and lost. A particularly hard thrust has Iruka reeling, a sharp cry torn forth from his chest. </p><p> </p><p>   “I won’t let you go,” Kakashi warns, his fingers wound tightly through Iruka’s hair. </p><p> </p><p>   “I love you,” Iruka moans, his cheeks flushed red with both shame and desire. “I love you so much. There could never be anyone else, Kakashi. You know this. <em> Please</em>, you know this...”   </p><p> </p><p>   “Genma—”</p><p> </p><p>   “Is just a friend! He sometimes works with me! That’s all.”</p><p> </p><p>   “He’s interested in you,” Kakashi rumbles, his voice dark and menacing—intent.</p><p> </p><p>   “He flirts with everyone! You <em> know </em> that.”</p><p> </p><p>   Rationally, he does, but Kakashi isn’t being rational at that moment. </p><p> </p><p>   Assuaging Kakashi’s vexation bordering on rage takes a toll on Iruka, but it happens far and few in between now compared to their earlier interactions. Kakashi feels like he’s failed everyone, Iruka included. He fears that Iruka will leave him for this mistake, never mind how much Iruka knows how hard he tried compared to what he went through. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka only feels relief that Naruto is alive, if but a little lost now, and that Kakashi is the one who brought him home. He gave to him the greatest gift, the knowledge that this child he’s come to love as his own is still here for him to look after. Naruto mumbled in his sleep that Iruka was like a father to him as he dabbed the small boy's forehead while he recovered. </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka had wept, his heart felt so incredibly full in that moment. He hadn’t experienced anything like that since he was a small child himself.  </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka had kissed Kakashi when he returned, his mind buzzing with relief and the utmost joy. He didn’t mind if anyone else saw them standing there in the hallway of the hospital. He kept Kakashi’s mask up, but the added barrier didn’t hinder Iruka’s feelings from bleeding through. </p><p> </p><p>   Almost an entire month had passed since he’d last seen him, the both of them fulfilling their roles as shinobi. The village remained unstable and short on help, everyone who was able to be sent out were without a second thought. Iruka manned the mission desk in between his own missions, the academy always in the back of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>   Were the children okay? Was Konohamaru? Of course he wasn’t, but Iruka couldn’t reach out to him just yet, no matter how desperately he wanted to.</p><p> </p><p>   “I love you,” Iruka promises, desiring nothing more than a kiss in that moment. “I <em> need </em> you, Kakashi.”</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi’s thrusts become harder, faster—urgent. He is desperate to possess Iruka, to own him in such a primal, visceral way. Kakashi feels the need to protect him, but he also knows he can’t always be around to do so. He worries about what might happen if Iruka were caught alone. If the Akatsuki were to ever learn about Iruka’s connection to Naruto, his connection with the innocent host of the nine-tailed fox?</p><p> </p><p>   Those possibilities keep him up at night...</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka tries to appease his fears, but it is futile. Kakashi is defined by his losses.</p><p> </p><p>   “I love you,” he murmurs, his chin held tightly in the palm of Kakashi’s hand. “I can’t live without you. I don’t know what I would do.”</p><p> </p><p>   The tears begin to fall anew, and Kakashi knows that he speaks nothing but the truth. They are both dependent upon each other. Iruka understands this fully, but he doesn’t care. </p><p> </p><p>   He doesn’t. </p><p> </p><p>   When Kakashi’s plush if but slightly chapped lips press against his own fuller ones, Iruka can only drink it all in. His desperation for the other man shines through. Kakashi slows down, his hands wandering along Iruka’s body, committing it to memory over and over again. He pulls and kneads apart Iruka’s cheeks, intently focused on how the brunette takes him. Iruka is his.</p><p> </p><p>   Mind, body and soul.</p><p> </p><p>   “<em> Kakashi</em>,” Iruka moans, his cock hard and throbbing in between shaking thighs, he’s desperate to touch himself now, desperate to feel all the tension he feels coursing through his body and mind release at long last. </p><p> </p><p>   The worst thing about all of this is that the words they gasp and utter and pant are all true. For better or worse, Iruka knows that they’ll never be able to fully live apart from each other. Together, they are whole. Iruka believes that, while some were fortunate enough to be whole all on their own, others, like him, were ill-fated to only be one half of a whole. That people like him would always feel incomplete no matter what they did until they found their other half to complete them on a spiritual level. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi is his other half, he is sure. </p><p> </p><p>   Again, he doesn’t say any of this out loud. With war on the horizon, it would only be a burden to both say and hear. He knows that Kakashi loves him, and he knows that Kakashi needs him, even outside of these fleeting moments of privacy. It would be pointless to say it at this point, but Iruka longs to do so anyway. If, for whatever reason, today is to be his last day on earth, he wants to die having said it.  </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi might love him, he might need him, but is it simply because he’s clinging to the one thing he’s been able to etch out in the ruins of his life thus far? Like a rat to a wooden plank after the ship has sunk. Iruka fears that it is convenience that has driven Kakashi to be by his side. That it is the uncertainty of the future and crippling loneliness that fuels the other’s desire and obsessive need for Iruka’s attention. Iruka is never quite sure what it is that Kakashi truly thinks and feels outside of these moments together, and it leaves Iruka guessing, forever wondering if Kakashi will up and leave one night and never come back.  </p><p> </p><p>   If Kakashi will ever come to his senses and realize that Iruka isn’t what he wants or needs. </p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi, I can’t! I need—”</p><p> </p><p>   “I know exactly what you need, sensei,” Kakashi mutters, one of his hands trailing down along the plains of Iruka’s chest and stomach, down until he’s able to take Iruka in hand.</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka’s breath hitches, his hips jerking as his stomach tightens. He’s been denied for far too long, and he knows it won’t be long now. Kakashi knows it, too. </p><p> </p><p>   “Oh, fuck!” Iruka cries, the Jonin’s grip unforgiving and perfect in equal measures. “Hah, Kakashi!”</p><p> </p><p>   “Are you going to come for me, sensei?” Kakashi asks, and Iruka knows that it’s rhetorical, but he can’t help but to nod his head emphatically anyway. </p><p> </p><p>   “<em> Yes</em>!” he cries, his toes curling as his fingers dig into Kakashi’s muscular thigh in a meager attempt to slow his fall. </p><p> </p><p>   He tries to hide his face by dipping forward, but Kakashi won’t allow him to do so, holding his chin in place. His left eye is open, blood red with its tomoe spinning...whirling. Kakashi is a bit of a voyeur, memorizing Iruka’s each and every expression he dares to make.</p><p> </p><p>   He never appears to tire of watching Iruka, even after all this time, and it isn’t always during sex either. If they were lucky enough to be able to spend the night together, Iruka would sometimes wake to find Kakashi gazing down at him. If they were enjoying a meal together, Kakashi would often peer over at him for a few fleeting glances at a time with both eyes open. </p><p> </p><p>   “Come on, Iruka,” Kakashi murmurs, his lips grazing across Iruka’s own, scarcely a breadth between them. “Don’t keep me waiting.” </p><p> </p><p>   Iruka comes with the help of Kakashi’s enclosed fist, feeling wave after wave traveling throughout his entire being. His eyes clenched shut, colorful dots bursting across his vision. He only ever comes this hard with Kakashi. For some reason, nothing ever seems to compare...It made the time and distance between over the past few weeks worth the wait. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi kisses him roughly, Iruka’s name on his lips as he, too, comes not a moment later. The two of them slump forward, reasonably drained, but Kakashi keeps him from landing face first into the mattress, placing one of Iruka’s pillows beneath him. He always leaves to retrieve a damp washcloth from the bathroom, cleaning them both thoroughly before rejoining Iruka on the bed. Iruka peers up at the other man, noticing that Kakashi appears calmer now than he did before. Kakashi tucks a stray strand of hair behind Iruka’s ear, but he doesn’t speak for a long time. </p><p> </p><p>   Eventually, Kakashi takes his place beside him, his face tucked into the curve of Iruka’s neck. His breathing is even, and Iruka runs his fingers through Kakashi’s hair. The sun is beginning to set, he notices, looking out the bedroom window between the curtains as the last few rays of deep orange penetrate through, casting his forearm and the scarred side of Kakashi’s face in a warm glow.</p><p> </p><p>   Normally, Kakashi doesn’t find him until after midnight when he gets back from a mission. The exception, of course, being when Team 7 used to complete missions in and around the village. Iruka misses those days dearly, and his heart pangs uncomfortably deep within the confines of his chest. </p><p> </p><p>   He knows that Kakashi is struggling with the dissolution of his team, the reemergence of Uchiha Itachi, and running back-to-back missions while the village collectively holds its breath in the midst of such uncertainty. War is all but guaranteed at this point, it’s just a matter of when. Iruka tries not to think about it when they’re together, but it’s hard not to.  </p><p> </p><p>   It’s nothing new to them, but it doesn’t make the thought any easier to bear. </p><p> </p><p>   “I’m sorry,” Kakashi murmurs, his lips brushing against the side of Iruka’s throat.  </p><p> </p><p>   “I know.”</p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi’s arm is anchored across Iruka’s waist, his fingers dancing along Iruka’s protruding ribs. Iruka tries not to dwell on the fact that those very fingers could kill him in a multitude of different ways. He knows that Kakashi would never intentionally harm him. In fact, he’s helped Iruka on more than one occasion throughout the years. A precursor to their current relationship. </p><p> </p><p>   A series of misunderstandings, arguments, late nights and shared students eventually morphed into something much more than that. Honestly, he never expected this to last as long as it has. He never expected it to last more than a night.  </p><p> </p><p>   This line of thinking is quickly making him feel morose. However, Kakashi seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to such things, distracting Iruka with a fleeting kiss to his pulse point. Iruka’s ticklish there, and Kakashi exploits it as often as he can get away with. He laughs, trying to escape him, but Kakashi is relentless in his pursuit, kissing up and down along Iruka’s neck and face. He takes great joy in making Iruka laugh, almost as much joy as he takes in making him flustered or angry.</p><p> </p><p>   Almost.</p><p> </p><p>   “Kakashi!”</p><p> </p><p>   “No getting lost in thought, sensei,” he says, chuckling as he presses his lips against Iruka’s. “I get jealous.”</p><p> </p><p>   “Jealous? Of my thoughts?” Iruka asks, snorting derisively as he tries to push Kakashi’s face away from his own.</p><p> </p><p>  “Oh, yes,” he says. “<em>Very</em>.” </p><p> </p><p>   A sudden sense of dread overcomes him then, and by the look on Kakashi’s face, he feels it, too. Their gaze lands just outside the window where an inconspicuous bird swiftly lands on a long, outstretching branch of one of the oldest trees in all of Konohagakure. In that moment, Iruka knows that their time is up. </p><p> </p><p>   Kakashi hesitates which is so unlike himself, no matter how drained or injured. </p><p> </p><p>   “I wanted to treat you to some ramen, sensei, but it appears that’ll have to wait.”</p><p> </p><p>   Iruka tries to keep the sorrow and the heartache he feels from flitting across his face, but he’s expressive, and Kakashi is adept at reading him. The entire village is being put through the collective ringer, he knows, but it’s hard to ignore that Kakashi is being pushed well past his limits. Kakashi still hasn’t fully recovered from his run-in with Itachi, but he isn’t one to complain. </p><p> </p><p>   He’ll push and push until he shatters like glass once again, and Iruka will be there to piece him back together again. </p><p> </p><p>   “Well then, I guess that just means that you’ll have to come back in one piece so that you can take me out,” he teases, and Kakashi smirks up at him before getting out of bed, gathering up his clothes. </p><p> </p><p>   Once he’s dressed, he leans down for one last kiss, and then he’s gone for however long it will take for him to complete his mission, and he <em> will </em> complete it. He will, and then he’ll come back home to him. Iruka never doubts that.</p><p> </p><p>   One day, he vows to tell him. One day when it’s too late. One day soon.    </p><p> </p><p>       </p><p><br/>
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